I have so many thoughts that I want to get out right now. There are so many things going through my head. I'll try my best to put them together for you in a way that makes at least a little bit of sense.
I am a 27 year old mother of 3 children. I weigh 226.4 pounds. Both grandparents on my mothers side are diabetic. I am also a smoker. I don't know much about my biological fathers side, but I do know that cancer runs common. Everything about my biological make up and my lifestyle are going against me right now. When I look in the mirror or at pictures of myself, I'm not quite sure who it is I see. It certainly isn't me.
A few weeks ago I watched a documentary called "Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead." The film inspired me in a very profound way. I decided that I was going to start juicing to not only help me lose weight but also to put a boost into my journey of trying to be healthy. I set the date of April 8th as my start date because the weekend prior was a my "mommycation" when I drove almost 5 hours away and spent the weekend with some wonderful friends. I wanted to eat everything bad that I knew I would miss and have fun with my friends.
Monday, April 8th came and I still hadn't bought the ingredients I needed to start my juice fast. I started the day by drinking a fruit smoothie my husband made. I struggled with two of my kids over naps and by the time they had been fully rested and ready to go it was about 3pm. I was shaking from being so hungry and so I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then we headed out to Wegmans, the best grocery store around.
I ventured only into the produce section. I had the carseat with the baby in the cart and my two year old in the seat of the cart. I filled the cart completely, even on the bottom and it was all full of organic vegetables and fruit. When I unloaded everything onto the conveyor belt to check out, the entire thing was full. I felt so proud and excited for the journey up ahead.
Since I had started the day off by eating solid food, I decided I would take one more night to indulge in some of my favorite guilty pleasures. My husband brought home the most delightful chocolate peanut butter cups and I savored every single bite.
The next morning I woke up ready to start the juice fast. My husband made my first "meal" in our Ninja blender. The blender does not have a strainer and my Green Lemonade was so chunky and thick, I was pretty disappointed. My 3 year old daughter came home from her grandparents house and then my husband left for work. I struggled with an overstimulated 3 year old and a teething 2 year old and 6 month old. Needless to say I did not get to make another juice until my mom came over at 5 pm. By this time my patience was nonexistent, I was exhausted and just trying to do anything I could to get to bed time without exploding.
My mom was kind enough to let me have her juicer. She showed me how to use it and I made my second juice for the day. It was so much better without all of the pulp and grainy things in the juice... it was actually juice!! This held me over until about 9 pm when I was feeling so dizzy and light headed that I just had to have something in my stomach. With all three of my children asleep, juicing wasn't an option. I opted for a Healthy Choice steamer meal and felt so much better afterwards.
This brings us to today, Day 2 of my attempt to juice fast. I started the day by making my breakfast, mid-morning and lunch juices. Today is also my husbands day off so I have a little more help with the kids. The morning and afternoon were much easier to only drink juice. I was getting full from the juice and feeling satisfied. Then lunch time for my kids came and the smell of chicken drove me crazy. Again I found myself exhausted and going to the bathroom to pee every half an hour. By 2:30pm both of us were wearing thin and so we decided to get everyone out of the house.
We ventured our crew out to Walmart. We walked around every section of the store. I was doing great until we got to the food section. Just about every single isle was full of temptation just screaming for me to cave in and eat it. I was getting to the point of giving up. I was hungry. I was tired. If I could just indulge in some warm and flavorful pizza then my full belly would satisfy me enough to be a happy person again.
When we got home from the store my husband unloaded the car and the kids. I stayed sitting in the passenger seat of the car. A few minutes after everyone had gone into the house, my husband came out to the car to check on me. I told him I was wanting to give up. I told him I don't want to be fat anymore, but I can't do this. He gave me a kiss and let me just sit in the car for about another half an hour. In that half an hour I sat in silence. I thought about the many times I've tried to lose weight and how I always seem to lose a little bit and then give up and gain the weight back.
If I want to look in the mirror and see ME again, I can't give up. I also need to keep in mind that I need to pace myself and not push myself to a breaking point. I came inside and my husband was kind enough to steam some broccoli for me. So yes, I ate solid food... but it was vegetables, not pizza. I am proud of myself for overcoming that hurdle and I hope that each day my will becomes stronger. I want to be the mom who runs around with her children outside. I want to be around to be the grandmother who runs around with her grandchildren. I need to do this.
No comments:
Post a Comment